With a Little Help…

I need to write a short, intriguing summary of Dragon to go in my query letters.  The one I wrote for the “Novel Synopses” tab is nice, but not good enough.  I have a new one, and I’d love your feedback!!  Here it is:

“Do you ever feel like you’re in the wrong body?”  Ann Waters reached adulthood living with the constant sensation that the shape of her life didn’t match her true nature.  When an heirloom necklace brings on dreams filled with flight and fire, she suddenly finds herself feeling closer to whole and yet brimming with questions.  The gift of the dragon pendant eventually leads her to a new realm where she discovers secrets about her true self and takes on a mission that only she can complete.

So… what do you think?  Should I share more of the plot, or less?  Do you have any suggestions regarding grammar, word choice, etc.?   Would you read the book if that was on the back?

Thank you in advance for your kind assistance and constructive criticism!

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11 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. PSG
    Jul 25, 2012 @ 21:30:00

    Honestly if I read this on the back of a book I would take it up to the counter and home to curl up with a cuppa tea.

    Reply

  2. deshipley
    Jul 25, 2012 @ 21:30:07

    I like the phrases “the shape of her life didn’t match her true nature” and “dreams filled with flight and fire”.
    Fond as I am of “eventually” as a word, it’s not working for me here; makes it feel too… casually paced. I’d recommend something like, “In time, the gift of the dragon pendant…” or “Before she knows it, the gift of the dragon pendant…” — something to give it more of a sense of weight (and, in the case of “before she knows it”, speed).

    Reply

  3. YerMom
    Jul 26, 2012 @ 07:06:08

    It sounds pretty good to me. I do like deshipley’s suggestion and I would take out the word “suddenly” in the third sentence. Good luck with the query. LYM!!

    Reply

  4. Nicole W.
    Jul 26, 2012 @ 07:27:19

    I don’t know what you could add to it without giving away too much of the story. If this were on the back of a book, it would definitely catch my interest. And I agree with deshipley about the word “eventually” in the last sentence.

    Reply

  5. Leigh Townsend
    Jul 26, 2012 @ 20:28:34

    Thanks for the suggestions!
    Here’s the revised version:
    “Do you ever feel like you’re in the wrong body?” Ann Waters reached adulthood living with the constant sensation that the shape of her life didn’t match her true nature. When an heirloom necklace brings on dreams filled with flight and fire, she finds herself feeling closer to whole and yet brimming with questions. Before she knows it, the gift of the dragon pendant leads her to a new realm where she discovers secrets about her true self and takes on a mission that only she can complete.

    Reply

  6. Trackback: Summing it up « Butterflies and Dragons
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  8. Trackback: Why didn’t I think of that before? « Butterflies and Dragons

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